Boys & Women's Restrooms

fisch

At what age, if any, did you let your child use the men's restroom on their own? I have a hard time imagining being comfortable with this, ever. I can see how we will get a point when he will no longer be comfortable going into the women's with me, and how other women/girls may get uncomfortable at some point.

He's 4.5, and I've always said that when he's 5 we would start working toward that, but now that we are on our way, he still seems like a baby to me.

Thoughts?

TheOtherLovingMoms

Zach was 9 before i let him go into the mens rr alone. Before that he went into the womens with me or Bree or his dad took him into the mens

K&H

No way would I allow it at five. Nine sounds like a good time to start thinking about it.

mel

My son isn't quite 4 but I cannot imagine allowing it at 5. I think your instinct is right on (of course it is - that's why we have them!)

One thing I've noticed is that in most of the places we visit frequently, the restrooms either aren't very busy (most restaurants or stores) or there is a family restroom (movie theater, malls) so it's really easy to avoid seeing a lot of other people. I can't imagine it being an issue the vast majority of the time.

Katydid

My oldest is about to turn 8, and I am not ready either. He is the type that freezes when he gets scared so I don't even trust him to let me know if there is a problem. Good question!

sara291

Z just turned 4 and really wants to. He always tells me that is the girls bathroom & wants to use the boys. There is no way at 5 or even 6 I would consider it. I don't think I will soon after that but I have not given it tons of thought.

I feel bad since at some point maybe 6 or 7 I feel he will start becoming embarrassed to use the females but he'll still be to young to go on his own yet. If we're outside we may do it at some point if the boys go together but again that will be a while.

old mama

I think my boys were about 8 also. But I stood outside the door and if it seemed they were in there too long you betcha I opened the door a bit and yelled in to see if they were OK...They knew I would do that so got used to quickly finishing their business!

indigoscot

no way at five. 8 or 9 as others have said maybe. sad state of affairs these days but there are just too many pedophiles etc... for me to feel comfortable with it.

fwiw, my brother brings his 4 year old daughter into the mens room after making sure no one is using the urinal if my sil or another female family member isn't around.

g

EMG_REL

I've often wondered what other families do about this--especially the two-mom families with little boys or two-dad families with little girls. We obviously don't have to think about it for a while, but I'm curious to read more responses!

friendamy

my DS will be 5 in 2 days (ahhhh!!!!) and there's no way I'd let him go in alone. and to be honest, I don't think he'd go.

in kindergarten he'll start using the "boys" room, and pretty much on his own. maybe that will start the whole WANTING to go on his own in the men's room. at his preschool it's a kids bathroom with stalls but no doors, and it's for all the kids.

right now I'll say 8 or 9... but I'll have to see his maturity level and his ability to handle everything himself

cocolibby

Our almost 10 year old is DEFINITELY too old to be going into the ladies' room with us, but I feel uncomfortable in some locations sending him into the men's (if his 16 year old brother isn't with us). I stand outside the door for sure. We live in a really small town, so there are places here (the Mexican restaurant where we eat frequently, for instance) where we let the almost 7 year old go, but in general he still goes in the ladies' room with us.

Shawna1941

I definitely think that it depends on the child. My son was 7 when I started letting him use the mens room. If their is a family bathroom option, we do that instead. He likes his privacy, so if it's one big bathroom I just turn on the facet and away from him until he is finished. I just wait out side the door if it's a single or a mens. He is just too mature at 8 to be treated like a baby taking him into a womens rest room. He gives me no reason to not allow him to go on his own. I always do a double hand check to make sure he uses soap and hot water and taught him how to open the door without using his bare hands.

Goobie

I'm in the minority here... Boog started using the mens room on his own at 5, I figured if I could send him off to school, I could trust him to pee on his own! We also live in a very small town, and I stood outside the door waiting for him.

Zen

My nephew was about 7 when he put his foot down about not going into the ladies room. We were in the mall and a guy noticed my struggles and offered to take him for me. I quickly declined thinking he could be the very pedophile I was determined to avoid. Probably not but it's not like they wear signs! I won that round -- the kid had to go and I told him he could come with me, hold it, or pee in his pants. He opted to come with me but I paid for it in guilt (courtesy of his tears and sulking). And after that I did my level best to find single-occupant men's rooms where I could guard the door, or family rest rooms (same idea). The very few times when I did have to give in to letting him go solo, I told him that he had 1 minute and then I was coming in after him and I didn't care who else was in there. Thankfully I never had to do that!

OneSmallStep

When I was younger it feels like it was such a different time, but now if I'm not with my wife, (once he's potty trained) Stitch will be going in with her for a long time, at least until around 7 or 9. It's not so much not trusting him as he gets older, but more so not trusting others. Hell there have been some men's rooms *I* didn't want to go into. You just never know who is in there with you, and in the case of a child that's even scarier!

Thankfully a lot of places do have the family bathroom's, and there are actually app's available to locate the closest one. :cool:

wasnervouswreck

I don't have any boys, but I think nine sounds pretty reasonable. I can't imagine any woman in her right mind that would have an issue with a boy up to ten coming into the womens bathroom. There are alot of weirdos out there.

yfnr

S goes on his own with me standing outside the door. He is 6.

Around here many places say that once the child is 5 they can no longer go in the restroom/dressing room of the other gender. Many of these places have family rooms though so it isn't a huge issue.

cptncrb

As a mom to two boys now, I've Been curious about this. Thank you for all the answers, I hadn't thought of a certain age for them to go on their own. Now I have a starting point, lol.

Shanny

I'm with Gobbie - (showing my age here) but when I Nannied for a little boy that just graduated from College (gasp!) We let him go at 5 while of course waiting outside and holding our collective breaths. I think past about 7 they'd be mortified but like everything else I'd base it more on the kid and each situation. There may be times that even once a child has been allowed to go on their own you may not let them based on a feeling or a particular venue etc.

lippysaunt

Sorry folks but I think 5 is fine to go alone. As a woman I do NOT want your 7 or 9 yr old boy in the restroom with me simply because you're paranoid and assume all men are molesters and waiting for your kid to show up to pee unattended. The odds of that are absurdly remote. He's more likely to be molested by grandpa or uncle joe.

Over 5-6 is WAY too old...he wouldn't be allowed in a women's locker room at the pool so I think the same guideline should apply anyplace else. Once they start kinder, they need to use their respective restrooms. Stand outside the door if you are worried. I went into a mens room once to check on a boy I was nannying and it was no big deal. You need to give them both the time and privacy to do their business. Would you want someone tapping their foot and telling you to HURRY UP! Or make you use wrong gender bathroom? Didn't think so. Give your kid andother restroom patrons the respect you want others to give you.

babymakes3

Our son is 7 an no wy would I send him. We had a 9.5 yr old stay with us for 2 weeks. I did let him go alone. Our son is tiny so I will keep him with me as long as I can. I am so freaked out that some sicko is in the bathroom taking pics and posting them on some crazy web site

mel

lippysaunt wrote:

Over 5-6 is WAY too old...he wouldn't be allowed in a women's locker room at the pool so I think the same guideline should apply anyplace else.

The obvious difference here is that a public restroom is not full of naked women.

I can tell you feel strongly about this. Why exactly does it bother you so much? I understand that others feel the same way you do but frankly, my son's needs and safety are of more concern to me than a stranger's feelings. It doesn't bother me in the least to see a 5-6 year old in a women's restroom. Why should I assume that others feel the same way as you instead of me?

I agree that the chance of molestation is miniscule, and I don't know how I will feel when my son is 5, but I would definitely not feel comfortable with him going alone at 4. He just learned how to lock stall doors, and can't do every type yet. He wants to be with me. There isn't any foot tapping or admonition to hurry, either. I'm not sure why some people feel so strongly, so I'd really like to understand.

Katydid

Wow...I hadn't thought of picture taking. Now I am more freaked out by the whole thing. So, I can see waiting outside the men's room until he's done, but then what? For those that have both sexes or more than one, do you then have your son wait outside the women's room until you are done helping the other child? I would then be freaked out by the whole abduction thing. I realize that I am a nervous nelly, but losing one of them is my biggest fear.

lippysaunt

mel wrote:

lippysaunt wrote:

Over 5-6 is WAY too old...he wouldn't be allowed in a women's locker room at the pool so I think the same guideline should apply anyplace else.

The obvious difference here is that a public restroom is not full of naked women.

I can tell you feel strongly about this. Why exactly does it bother you so much? I understand that others feel the same way you do but frankly, my son's needs and safety are of more concern to me than a stranger's feelings. It doesn't bother me in the least to see a 5-6 year old in a women's restroom. Why should I assume that others feel the same way as you instead of me?

I agree that the chance of molestation is miniscule, and I don't know how I will feel when my son is 5, but I would definitely not feel comfortable with him going alone at 4. He just learned how to lock stall doors, and can't do every type yet. He wants to be with me. There isn't any foot tapping or admonition to hurry, either. I'm not sure why some people feel so strongly, so I'd really like to understand.

because sometimes women need to change clothes and not hog a tpilet stall to do it. Because often times the is a sizable gap between the stall door and the wall and i dont need your too old kid watching me change a tampon. Because some women go into the bathroom to breastfeed solely becauae they domt want a mixed gender audience and.you're.denying them the privacy they went out of their way to obtain. Becauase the lines in women's restrooms are long enough w/o adding any more people to it when they have a dedicated bathroom that usually doesn't have a line. Because your kid is FAR more likely to be molested by your father or brother or neighbor or boyfriend than some random person in the bathroom. Seriously, you should fear your own dad more than the public at large. Because your child needs to be respected as an individual who has feelings and opinions and he needs to learn independence (you need to be teaching him how to handle himself in public and if you never give him the opportunity to even pee, how will he ever be able to shop or go to a movie, etc. Start with the basics...peeing...and move on from there.) You cant and shouldn't helicoptor him, helicoptor parents are the worst kind. It's so smothering and handicapping. Will you let you kids go to school or camp and pee? How will they learn to do that if not given the opportunity to learn whe you're close, but not hovering or breathing down his neck. How will you justify why he has to use a separate bathroom at school but not everywhere else? How will you justify it to the little girl who is in the bathroom and doesnt want a boy in there? There's a reason we have separate bathrooms and we need to relsect that. I'm not talking anout sending preschoolers in, I'm talkimg about school aged kids.

mel

ok, well, my son is not quite 4 so I guess you're not talking about him anyway.

I would hope people don't let their kids look between the cracks in stalls. I wouldn't want my daughters doing that, either.

merilung

I think four or five is an appropriate age to go to the bathroom by oneself, depending on the child - basically, I'm good with it as soon as they can be trusted to behave appropriately in a bathroom without supervision. Like lippysaunt, I would be way more concerned about friends and family members than I would a bathroom full of strangers, since statistically the people most likely to abuse a child are people with continuous access to that child - someone the family knows and trusts. However, I wouldn't think anything of it if someone brought their older son into the women's bathroom so long as the kid seemed like they were okay with it, especially since I don't know their situation - for all I know, they could have a male child who identifies as female, or a child who has special needs that aren't immediately obvious. I actually think separating bathrooms by sex is pretty stupid to begin with and wouldn't bat an eye at a grown man using the women's bathroom, so I probably care less than a lot of people.

Zen

I'd put the safety of a child in my care over the comfort of strangers any day of the week. That said, there are courtesies to be maintained. When I had my nephew with me, I didn't let him (or his sister) peep in or under the stalls. I never had an incident where anyone actually said anything about being uncomfortable with little boys in the ladies room but had I noticed, I would have let them go first before taking him in. There have been times where I've wondered what little boys were doing in the ladies room. But my annoyance had to do with behavior and noise -- not modesty.

babymakes3

When he is at school or camp he uses the "boys" bathroom without an issue.
As for dressing rooms we have tried,to get him to use the locker rooms at the gym but he is terrified. He would rather get in the car wet than go in a strange place alone. So this is what we do.

Autumn&Ryan

If it were me, I would go with my gut on it and have any little boy get dressed into his swim trunks or whatever before hand. We were at our community pool yesterday and the was a sign posted in large red letters that said this:
"NO BOYS OVER 4 ALLOWED IN WOMENS LOCKEROOM!".

Chrysanthemum

I asked DHs opinion about this and he said what he mostly sees is little boys going in and monopolizing a stall to pee rather than using the urinal, then since a lot of places have the auto flush they get confused, plus they have to touch the seat etc.
His thoughts were if they are tall enough to use a urinal and the sink they were ok to go alone. He also didn't think there was any fear of pedophiles because there is an unspoken 'don't look at anybody' rule. He said there is usually 1 urinal lower for kids. His estimation is by 6 they should be tall enough and responsiable enough.
He also said he HATES seeing little girls in the men's room since there are men using urinals.

So there is a male perspective, I'm wondering what OSS and Duck think.

only_hope

I agree with those of you who say 5 y/o is too young to go into a bathroom alone.
As for women bringing in their 8/9 y/o boys into public restrooms, I don't have any problem with women who do so, I'd rather a child be safe, than potentially be exposed to a predator.

With that said, and with all due respect, it's a fallacy that a child is more likely to be abused by a family member/friend. I completed my postgraduate thesis on this very topic and many experts now agree (and there are numerous peer reviewed studies) that intrafamilial offenders (offenders who 'supposedly' target family/friends) not only abuse family/friends children, but also have numerous child victims they do not know, and the same goes for extrafamilial offenders abusing not only children they do not know, but also their own children, friends, relatives etc...

Research also shows an increased prevalence of child molesters targeting both genders of children, (as opposed to some 'experts' who say offenders are more likely to target male children), as well as abusing children outside of their 'recognized' victimology (family members or children who aren't related).

Offenders who were classically defined by 'experts' as 'child molesters' also had histories of sexually abusing adults, and offenders who were defined as 'rapists who target adults' had histories of abusing children as well.