Hoping for a baby for our 5th anniversary....

ana8284

All I have ever wanted was to be a mom. Nothing else really has ever been constant in my life except for that thought. I met my beautiful wife shortly after coming out in 2007. I must admit that the scariest part of realizing I was a lesbian was thinking about how much harder it was going to have a family. But I wouldn't trade my wife for anything. She is my rock and I love her more than I could ever express. Even though it will be devastating if we are never able to bring a baby into our family, I know our love will pull me through.

We were married in 2009, still being pretty young we knew we needed some time to establish our marriage and try to get our financial house in order before we started TTC. While our finances still continue to be a bit worrisome, we're in a much better place than we were.

We started our journey to parenthood in 2012. I have to say part of me thought we were going to be that magical couple that got pregnant our first try. Needless to say we did not. We couldn't afford more than 3 tries that year so we waited to try again in 2013. 2013 came and went and after more tries, nada.

My heart breaks a little every time I hear the news that one of my friends or family members is pregnant. While of course I am happy for them, it's hard to be confronted with monthly facebook pictures of positive pregnancy tests and ultrasound photos. But then I have to remember, that I don't know what journey that associates of mine have been on in trying to conceive, maybe they had only tried a time or two, but maybe they are like me, anxiously waiting for their dreams to come true.

I was diagnosed with PCOS several years ago, and have been on Glumetza for about 2 years now which has helped me become more regular. This time around we switched everything, doctors, sperm bank, donor the works. My old doctor had me on 100mg of Clomid days 5-9, this doctor has me on days 3-7 to try to make me ovulate earlier as it is not untypical for me to not ovulate until days 22-30.

I'm trying to remain calm, it's funny because my other cycles I was a wreak from the very beginning. I haven't really thought much about this one until today. I don't know if part of me has resolved myself to the fact that I might not get pregnant or whether I'm just more "zen" about this time. I don't know, I just hope that this is our year. We will celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary next month and I can't think of a better gift.

ana8284

Waiting for the big O, I was thinking that since I took the Clomid days 3-7 this month instead of 5-9 that I would be going much earlier, but so far I really haven't had much mucus (which I tend to get a lot of) and no positive OPK yet on CD 13. My wife asked me last night if I was "over preparing" and I'm beginning to wonder if I am. I did the Clomid and I take Glumetza (a form of Metformin) with a prenatal vitamin, Vitex and Vitamin C. I have also been doing the Circle + Bloom IVF/IUI Fertility Meditations each day and had Reiki on Sunday. I'm scheduled for a round of Acupuncture this evening. I've been doing all of this in the hopes that I would be more relaxed and less anxious, and for the most part I think it has helped, but I do feel a bit anxious, waiting to ovulate and hoping that I won't be disappointed yet again.

ana8284

Well I surged yesterday afternoon! I'm so glad that I started testing in the afternoon as my Clearblue Monitor has yet to "peak". But I had two different ovulation tests show positive yesterday afternoon paired with EWCM since Saturday. I'm getting really nervous now, as I keep self doubting whether it is too late now, maybe the tests were wrong. I swear I don't think I have ever doubted myself or felt lower self esteem in my whole life then when I'm doing fertility treatments. Trying to calm myself down though, praying for the best. Really really hoping this time is it. I was watching the Today Show and Savannah announced her pregnancy, and I found myself tearing up. IUI is at 11, hoping for some luck of the Irish!

natandjer09

Well here is some LUCK to you! I too was married in 2009 and have been TTC ever since! IT's a HARD journey but I am hopeful it will be worth it! I will celebrate my 5 year anniversay on a cruise at the end of the month then we will begin again. I had a mc in December so these past few months have been really difficult...I think the beach and some sun will do me good! GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

ana8284

natandjer09 wrote:

Well here is some LUCK to you! I too was married in 2009 and have been TTC ever since! IT's a HARD journey but I am hopeful it will be worth it! I will celebrate my 5 year anniversay on a cruise at the end of the month then we will begin again. I had a mc in December so these past few months have been really difficult...I think the beach and some sun will do me good! GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you and best wishes to you as well!

ana8284

So yesterday was interesting, there better be a kid in there haha! So I'm hoping the timing was right, as there was no U/S or bloodwork. I got into the room with my little paper bag of special sauce and the nurse practioner was like is it okay if the doctor has a student with him, so I'm like sure fine whatever. So after I disrobe and get on the table, in walks the doctor, 2 students, the NP and of course my DW is in this like 9x9 room haha. So then we start, the first cath was cracked so the NP had to leave and get another. Then she comes back and they can't get the cath into my cervix. So the doc is like I have to bend it to the right angle so he takes it out and proceeds to repeat this like 4 times before he decides he needs a different speculum. So the NP leaves again and I get to be cranked open again, then he tries like 4 more times before I have to get my cervix pinched. Finally success! Needless to say yesterday an adventure! But he put the sample under the microscope and it was a really good specimen. Here is hoping for a BFP in 2 weeks!

ana8284

So I'm at 3DPI today and I am utterly exhausted. I have not been able to focus at work all day (of course some of that has to do with excessive googling) but I have yawned probably 1,000 times today and got a solid 9 hours of sleep last night. Part of me feels like I might be getting sick though as I've had a bit of a runny nose and sneezes all day today. I have acupuncture after work today, so I'm hoping that will get me back on track a little. I also plan on starting a natural progesterone cream tonight as with the PCOS I'm not convinced my levels are where they need to be. My nipples have been very sensitive Tuesday afternoon, but I'm thinking that is more to do with the Clomid and ovulation as I have had that with most of my medicated cycles. At least I don't feel nearly as crazy as I do when we use the trigger shot! That thing is the devil for symptom spotters like myself! Anyway, here's to a quick 11 days and hopefully a happy ending!

ana8284

Today is the 7th anniversary of our first date. we are going to go to the place we had dinner on our first date then out to a movie. This morning I went to brunch with some of my college sorority sisters then to a blissful reiki session. The distractions are very much appreciated. I haven't been overly crazy so far during the TWW but I can't say I don't wonder everytime I feel something a little strange in my body. This morning was a bit weird though as I was getting out of the shower I had some mile chest pain on my left side that kind of went under to my armpit. I laid down in bed for about 20 min and it went away but it was definitely different. It's so funny I was thinking today that the TWW is the only time in a woman's life when you pray to have nausea, sore breasts & cramps!

ana8284

7dpi today, last night I had a weird pinching right above my pubic area, it only lasted about 10 minutes and would go away if I laid down, but it was odd. I'm really hoping all of these things are good signs and not just side effects of the progesterone cream I'm using. I'm only using 1/4 of a teaspoon a day so I would hope it wouldn't give me noticible side effects but you never know! This morning I've had some cramping and low back pain, which could be PMS but it seems way to early for that. I don't normally get any PMS symptoms until a day or 2 before the witch arrives. I seriously hope I'm not reading to much into this. I'm very cautiously optimistic at this point, I go back and forth from getting kind of excited thinking this might be the time, and thinking that I'm definitely out. Trying to keep the faith, hopefully this will be our time!

ana8284

Well I caved and tested today at 9dpi with an internet cheapie...BFN. I have had a couple little "signs" the past couple of days, but nothing really of note. I've actually been feeling better physically. Emotionally is another story. As most of you reading this know, it is excrutiating to want something so bad and have so little control over obtaining it. Being a mom is the only thing I have ever really wanted, and it feels so far out of reach. I know it is still early but I just feel like I'm going to be disappointed again. I don't know how many more times I can go through this.

ana8284

Feeling a lot better emotionally today, I woke up convinced I was going to get a BFP, but unfortunately got a BFN instead. I'm not sweating it though (for now). There is definitely either something cooking in there or I am in for the mother of all periods, my hormones are so up and down! I'm still running warm which is unusual for me, my average temperatures at any given point is usually in the 97s. I don't chart temperatures or anything, but out of curiosity took my temp when I woke up this morning before I got out of bed and it was at 98.3, and I've been running even hotter during the day usually around the 99-99.2 mark. I'm trying to remain hopeful but realistic at the same time, knowing that it could very well be the progesterone cream that's causing me to be so warm, but it's definitely unusual!

ana8284

Well emotions were good yesterday, today not so much. BFN with a FRER today, and feeling like AF is going to hit like a ton of bricks any minute now even though I'm not due for her until Monday. I had my first (and hopefully only) meltdown this morning. I was watching the Today show this morning when they were going through the audience outside when a couple announced their pregnancy, I IMMEDIATELY lost it. I almost choked on my banana from crying so hard. Forgive my rant for a second and this definitely has nothing to do with the couple on the Today show by any means, but I work in a hospital, one that has a huge labor and delivery unit and I live in a pretty large city. So I've always been a strong believer that "everything happens for a reason", but TTC has definitely pushed my faith on that belief when on the news (and sometimes here in the hospital) I'm forever hearing about children being abused or even killed by the parents that are supposed to love them. Why is it that people who have no business having children are able to pop them out like there is no tomorrow and then folks who actually want children more than anything can't have them?!?!?! Then in the hospital I see 13 and 14 year olds having babies and not that some of them don't grow up to be excellent mothers, it just seems like they have all of the time in the world, why now? I just don't know what is wrong with me other than the fact I can't try every month or have the ability to have a surprise baby. My grandmothers on both sides each had 4 kids, my mom (while there were only 2 full term pregnancies) has been pregnant 5 times, all of my aunts and uncles on both sides have kids, what is wrong with me? Sorry I'm just having a bit of a pity party this morning, I'm kind of glad I had my breakdown though it made me feel a little better. Just waiting for the witch to arrive so I can get the rest of these hormones out of my system.

ana8284

Well BFN this morning followed immediately by AF. Definitely out this month. I was hoping that this would be our time, but unfortunately that was not the case. Feeling a bit down, but trying to keep my spirits up. Thursday we are going to an LGBT forum for adoption hosted by a local adoption agency. I'm not against adoption by any means, I have so much respect for those who have chosen to give their babies a better life by giving them up for adoption, and so much respect for those who adopt. I just don't know if I'm ready to give up my dream of going through the whole process of pregnancy, feeling my baby move for the first time, all of those rights of passage as a woman preparing for motherhood. Realistically though I know that it may never happen for me and I have to explore other options, and I'm hoping that this workshop will give me a better insite.

ana8284

Having a hard time emotionally today. I think yesterday I was okay because I was relieved just to have AF start and for the waiting game to be over as I knew she was coming. Today however, I've felt on the brink of tears all morning. I really don't want to stay at work, but I also can't just leave because I'm emotional. A friend that I have been going through the TTC journey with got her BFP last month and they just had their first ultrasound/heartbeat check yesterday. On the one hand I'm absolutely elated for her and her partner, they are going to be fantastic parents and I'm so excited for them. On the other hand, reading about how wonderful hearing their little one's heartbeat for the first time was broke my heart knowing how badly I want that for myself, and knowing that even though it could definitely still happen and I am trying to keep hopeful about it, realistically it may never happen. I really want the whole thing, the ultrasounds, the kicks all of it. While in the end of course the important thing is having a healthy baby whether it comes from my body or someone else's, but having this yearning inside of you that can't be filled is just so incredibly hard and hard to explain to someone who doesn't feel the same. My wonderful wife of course wants a family and has been so supportive, but she has never felt the urge to carry a child, so it's hard for her to truly understand what I am feeling. I've thought about going to a RESOLVE group meeting in my area, but there are no other lesbian couples in my local group, and through my facebook group i'm a part of they all seem like wonderful people, I just don't know how accepted I would be in the group being that my journey is so much different that most of theirs. I know that sounds weird, but I guess when you have a straight couple who tries the traditional way month after month with no success and then undergoes treatment with no success and then you have me in there crying because my partner doesn't have a penis and my few (in comparisson) tries aren't working, I guess I just feel like I'm not worthy of the support is what it boils down to. I did some research today and found a therapist who specializes in infertility, I've sent her an e-mail for more information and to hopefully set up an appointment. I just need some help figuring out how to get through this, I thought it would get easier with time, but unfortunately I think it has gotten harder.

ana8284

Spirits are a little better now. I'm still super hormonal though which I don't know whether is a good thing or a bad thing. I keep trying to think, "well maybe the more hormonal you are before ovulation, the better the results will be" but I know deep down inside that is probably not correct so I'm just driving myself crazy. We went to our adoption forum last week and it definitely helped ease some of the anxieties I had about adopting, but I still left anxious, especially when they told us that the quickest way to adopt is to locate a birth mother on your own, which just makes me so worried about rejection and heartbreak all over again. One of my co-workers asked me the other day if we had ever considered a known donor, which we had until the donor we were talking with (a friend) made a comment that one day I could carry a child for him. After he said that the known donor discussion went off of the table. Not because I was offended or anything, but I knew that I would never be able to give up a child I had carried in my body for 9 months and it wasn't then fair of me to ask him to do something I wasn't willing to do. But when she asked me, she asked because she has a male friend who she had had this discussion with before that has no interest in actually having a child but was open to donating so that someone else could. This peaked my interest some especially since we would have no direct relationship with him, but considering that he would still be interested in possibly doing this, this is quite a long ways down the road if we even did it. As I'm sure most of you reading this know, it's just so difficult to want something so badly and have so little control over the outcome. I'm just tring to remain positive that one day, I'll have a healthy baby in my arms to call our own.

ana8284

Tomorrow I will be participating in the "Race to Parenthood 5k" to help raise money for couples in my area to have IVF performed. I know it will be a bittersweet time for me, even the title brings up a flood of emotions, the "Race to Parenthood". To me that means so many things, the race to the first BFP, the race to hearing that beautiful heartbeat for the first time, the race to feeling my baby move for the first time, and of course the race to seeing my baby's face for the first time. On the flip side it means to me the race to figure out why there has been 7 months of disappointment, the race to finding the perfect time to insemenate, the race to getting older and less likely to get pregnant... the race to letting go and moving on to another avenue. In the meantime, I am looking forward to helping someone else potentially reach their dream of parenthood and if even 1 of the 7 featured couples is able to reach that goal, this will have all been worth it.

Patienceisavirtue

That race sounds amazing and emotional! I am glad there are things like this exist to help.

ana8284

Finished the race a couple of hours ago. It was a lot more emotional than I anticipated. As I looked around I saw a sea of people dressed in their team colors there to cheer on their loved ones. Some wore shirts that said "Future Aunt", "Future Grandma" etc. I found myself tearing up more often than I would like to admit, but all in all it was a great morning and I wish nothing but the best for the seven couples from today's race.

ana8284

Well we celebrated our 5th anniversary on the 22nd, we weren't pregnant obviously but ironically I ovulated during our anniversary trip, it was a late ovulation between days 22-24. I say between because my monitors/tests are were so inconsistent again this month!

So late on day 20 I started getting some EWCM, which increased until day 22. In the early afternoon on the 21st, I had a positive OPK on a Wondofo strip, but I had tested that morning with my Clearblue Monitor and it was still only on "High", I tested the following day after my positive OPK which was day 23 still only a "high" reading but my test line on the Wondofo strip was not nearly as dark. So then finally on the morning of day 24 my monitor turned to "peak". The same thing happened last month when we inseminated but I'm pretty sure we had good timing with it because AF came right on time 14 days after my IUI. My breasts have been super sensitive this ovulation, they have just stopped hurting 6 days after ovulation, I guess my hormones are still high from last go around with the Clomid even though I didn't take any this month. My emotions have also been super crazy, commercials, happy moments you name it I find myself getting teary eyed.

I'm going to push for ultrasound monitoring next month with my RE as obviously my tests are inconsistent. I just feel like I would feel better having a more accurate knowledge of when I'm going to ovulate. It's going to definitely hurt our wallet, but it's also hurting our wallet potentially shooting in the dark.

I just pray this is our year, I know things happen when they are supposed to and it's in God's time not my own but it's just so hard to continue without knowing, but I guess that is the point of patience and faith.

ana8284

A little bummed today, I called my doctor's office to talk about monitoring next cycle and the possibility of injectibles and found out that my doctor's office lost their grant funding for injectibles and now they are $800 a shot! I switched to this doctor specifically because I knew if we got to the point of wanting to try the injectibles route that they had the grant and the injectibles were $10 a shot. They are apparently trying to get the grant back, but it doesn't look like injectibles will be an option for me at this point. Insurance doesn't cover them at all and I certainly can't afford a $2400-$3,000 bill to be attached to my next IUI treatment!

ana8284

Well AF started today so we are officially on board to start trying again! Just waiting now to hear back from the doctor about calling my Clomid prescription in and then getting on a schedule for ultrasound monitoring. I have to admit I'm a bit anxious just thinking about going through all of this again but excited at the same time for the possibilities. Trying to keep the faith!

ana8284

Well it appears at least I must be doing something right at least getting my hormones to a better place! I have never shown a surge earlier than day 16 (and I'm convinced that one was a fluke because it's usually more like day 18 or 19). But today, CD11 I went in for a mid cycle ultrasound to see where we are and I have one good follicle on the left side that is already at 14.5! So I have to go back on Monday for another ultrasound and from there we will either do my trigger shot on Monday during the visit or Monday night and I will go in for IUI on Tuesday or Wednesday! It's hard not to get your hopes up everytime so I'm trying to remain cautiously optimistic but I'm glad that the money, time and effort I have put into this cycle seems to be doing something!

ana8284

Money aside I am so glad we are doing ultrasounc monitoring this month. This morning CD 13 I took two tests one with my Clearblue Monitor and the other on a cheapie stick. I peaked on my monitor and my cheapie stick was nowhere near positive where the past two months my cheapies have turned positive and my monitor has been a couple of days behind. I go back at 9 tomorrow for an ultrasound, please God let this be the month for a success!

ana8284

So my follice measured at 17 today so it looks like we are right on track. Definitely think yesterday's peak on the monitor was inaccurate given the size of the follice as well as the fact that I have had zero EWCM which is usually a tell tale sign for me. I will be giving myself the trigger shot in the morning when I get up then we will go for our IUI on Wednesday at 9am. Please please God let this be it!!!

Patienceisavirtue

Good Luck!!

ana8284

Thanks Patienceisavirtue!

I took my HCG shot this morning which was completely different than the Ovidrel I'm used to. First of all we had to blend the powder with the sterile water and do the whole measuring the dosage etc which with the Ovidrel it is prefilled in a syringe and ready to go. My lovely wife is used to mixing medications for animals (haha) so she loaded up the syringe and stuck it in my rear! I told her that it was her contribution to our pregnancy (hopefully)! I'm trying to keep myself calm and ready for IUI in the morning but I can't help but get a little anxious. I go for acupunture tonight so hopefully that will calm my nerves some. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers please!

ana8284

So I was anxious all night last night that I made the wrong decision by doing the IUI 24 hours (actually 26) after trigger instead of 36. I'm still not completely confident in my decision, but at this point it is out of my hands. I got my EWCM last night so hopefully that was a good sign. I took the day off today to relax after the procedure and just try to keep my stress levels down but about 30 minutes after I got home my wife called and said she had been in a car accident and needed me to come pick her up. She and the other driver are both fine but there was a hole busted in her radiator from the other car's hitch. So after I picked her up I had to drive her around town for awhile as she owns a pet sitting/dog walking business and had clients that she was already late to go see since the accident. So that being said my relaxation time today was pretty non-existent. But on a happy note, I'm glad she is okay and the procedure seemed to go well this morning. Now comes the waiting game!

ana8284

I don't know whether it's the acupunture or what but so far I am oddly calm. I think part of it is that I feel like our timing was off so I haven't gotten my hopes up too much, but also suprisingly I have had zero side effects after the first day from the trigger shot. In the past I've done the Ovidrel shot, this time I did the 10,000 iu trigger (I don't remember the brand name). But I also don't know if that's a bad thing. Usually my breasts are tender etc around ovulation but this time I'm not feeling anything. I did have some more EWCM last night which makes me think even more we may have done the IUI too early but I guess we will know for sure in two weeks. Hopefully when I start my progesterone cream tomorrow my craziness will not resume, but so far so good!

ana8284

Well day 3 on the progesterone cream, 5dpi and still feeling pretty good. I've been utterly exhausted today but I think that is from a horrific sunburn I received yesterday. I do have a sore spot in my left breast today. Only hurts to the touch though, I have large fibrous breasts though so I'm thinking that I'm probably gearing up for AF next week. I'm doing okay though, for right now at least I don't feel like I'm gearing up for devastation like I've done with past cycles. If nothing else I think the lack of "symptoms" has been helpful at least I'm not reading into everything just to get disappointed.

ana8284

So I'm definitely still not convinced our timing was good but I've started noticing some subtle things that make me wonder. So at 3DPI I tested just to see where we were with getting the trigger shot out of my system and you could barely see the second line. I tested again yesterday 6dpi this time with the same type of test I used at 3dpi and with a Wondofo at the same time and the Babi test looked the same as it did at 3DPI and the Wondofo was just slightly darker than it. I know that is not indicitive of a pregnancy but it's just weird that it hasn't changed more. Today I have white lotion like CM and out of curiosity I took my temperature after sitting in an air conditioned office for a while and it was at 99.2. Now last time when I did the progresterone cream my temperature was higher like that as well and it resulted in a BFN, but last time I felt hot all of the time. This time on the other hand I feel completely normal. Like oddly normal, usually I at least get sore breasts and cramping etc, this time there is absolutely nothing. Part of me wants to be hopeful that maybe the lack of signs is a sign, but the other part of me wants to continue believing that the timing was off so I don't get disappointed yet again.

ana8284

So emotionally I've done great this cycle until tonight. For some reason tonight the anxiety hit and the thoughts that I may never experience pregnancy. I have faith that I will be a mother one day though it may be through adoption but just thinking that I may not experience feeling my baby move inside of me and having that incomparable bond just breaks my heart a little.