Hoping for a baby for our 5th anniversary....

Patienceisavirtue

Awesome news! So glad you had a great day.

We tried to post to the race Facebook page but it wouldn't send for some reason

ana8284

So the race was awesome, we had a great turnout and almost my whole family came which was an incredible feeling. My DW's two brothers came which I know meant a lot to her. While I can't say that I wasn't a little hurt by some of my close friends that did not come, the support we did have was amazing. I'm still waiting for the final totals of how much we raised, I'm dying of curiosity, hopefully we will find out soon.

So other than the race, we have so much going on right now. I need a break big time. Work is crazy, I've had three resignations in the past month and I'm expecting another one (via the rumor mill), our house is on the market and we are trying to find our forever home (at least for the next 20 years or so!), and we are in the middle of our first injectible cycle. So far the injectible cycle hasn't gone as great as they had hoped. As of yesterday which was CD14, my biggest follicle was only an 8. Now, I normally ovulate later in my cycle with an average of CD 19 but I don't know. They upped my dose of meds on Saturday so we will see what happens. Exhaustion does not begin to describe what I am feeling right now. I did get a little down time after the race Saturday but I'm still utterly beat. Hopefully my u/s Friday will show a big juicy follicle and we will be ready for IUI by the weekend. And here's to hoping that our house sells quickly and we find a great house!

ana8284

So today is CD18 I've had EWCM the past couple of days and I was certain that I would show some big juicy follicles this morning, do my trigger shot and have IUI in the morning. Unfortunately my biggest follicle right now is a 12. So my Gonal-F dose has been upped again and we go back on Monday. I'm a bit bummed but I realized after I left the doctor's office that we may be doing our IUI on our 6th wedding anniversary next week. Funny this blog is called "Hoping for a baby for our 5th anniversary" and here we are coming up on our 6th and still no closer. BUT trying to remain positive and hoping that next week shows better results!

ana8284

So about 5 last night I took an OPK that was super close to positive almost too close to call. Dipped another one, same thing. This morning it isn't nearly as dark. Not sure what to think, on the one hand I can't imagine my follicle grew from a 12 to being ready to ovulate in a day. On the other hand I've had EWCM for the past few days which my doctor said just signifies that I am producing estrogen and does not necessarily indicate ovulation especially with the injections but I don't know. While of course I will be disappointed if we can't try this month, I will be more upset if we can't try this month I will be more upset that we've spent over $1000 on ultrasounds. I go back for an ultrasound in the morning trying to stay positive until then.

b&kmakebabies

Could you use a smiley to confirm? I'm really rooting for you guys!

ana8284

b&kmakebabies wrote:

Could you use a smiley to confirm? I'm really rooting for you guys!

Unfortunately smileys don't work for me. I've gotten false positives with them because of PCOS confirmed by ultrasound. Will know for sure in the morning!

ana8284

Feeling really nervous this morning. My OPKs have barely a second line now and what's worse is that my boobs are sore this morning. I'm trying to remain optimistic and think that it's just a side effect of the increased injectible dose but it's hard when I have every post ovulation symptom. My EWCM has dried up, I had 3 almost positive OPKs Saturday night and now the boobs. I'm concerned that either the dominate follicle was missed or my body ovulated a smaller follicle. My doctor's office isn't open on Sundays so it wouldn't have done me any good to call them Saturday and I feel like they wouldn't have believed me anyway since they only saw a 12mm Friday. Anyway will update after my appointment. I hope to be proven wrong, otherwise I have just spent a lot of money for nothing.

ana8284

Good news update! Not only have I not ovulated yet, I have a 21mm, 20mm, 18mm and a couple small ones. Triggered this morning, IUI tomorrow morning at 10!

ana8284

IUI this morning! Feeling pretty good about this one, trying to remain positive! We combined 2 IUI/IVF vials and did the insemination roughly 25 hours after trigger. Yesterday I had 3 dominate follices a 21, 20 and 18 and a couple of small ones. Our two combined vials had a count of 82 million and 51% motility. My DW went and looked on the microscope and she said they were going crazy just with the tiny drop that was left in the vial after the insemination. I am claiming a pregnancy this cycle and trying to repeat that affirmation to myself several times a day!

b&kmakebabies

Sounds very promising! Just imagine all the love and support from the race lifting you up towards your goal

StephnHeids

Awesome! Hopefully, this is it for you!!

ana8284

Thanks b&k and StephnHeids! Fingers crossed!!!!

ana8284

Well this TWW has definitely been easier so far with everything going on with our house. I'm happy to say that as of this morning we accepted a great offer on our house, just over 2 weeks after listing it! I'm so excited and praying that everything works out. We put an offer in on a house we love this morning too, problem is it is a Fannie Mae property so we aren't too sure how things are going to turn out with it. But it is a great house with the space we want and we can definitely see raising our family there!

So 3dpi today, 1dai and 2dpi were kind of rough. I felt fine but had pretty severe bloating and gas (that I could never pass) so I definitely didn't feel like myself. Today seems a lot better though so fingers crossed!

Wednesday we celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary and yesterday was my DW's birthday. Really praying this is our year. So far things are going great. Just hope that we can finally make our family complete!

ana8284

6dpi today and feeling good. Yesterday I guess my ovaries were swollen because it was pretty sore every time I beared down to pee, but today so far so good. As of yesterday my trigger was almost gone so I'm going to try to put down the tests until at least 10dpi. Trying to remain positive, it's hard to not let negative feelings flow in sometimes after all the disappointment in the past.

In other news (or lack there of) we still haven't heard back on the house we want to buy yet. I'm so hoping this works out. We love the house, while it does need some work, it's nothing we do not feel we can do ourselves and I can definitely see raising our family there.

ana8284

Well it didn't work out with the house we wanted to buy so back to the drawing board.

I'm feeling cautiously optimistic about this cycle. My body is being all kinds of weird and I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. I try not to think about it but then my body will be weird for a while, then go back to normal, then be weird again so it's hard not to think about it. Yesterday I woke up to pee and immediately after had this weird dull ache/pressure in my left side kind of near my pelvis that went through my hip. I had a hard time getting comfortable to go back to sleep because of it and it lasted throughout most of the day yesterday. Almost felt like a mildly strained muscle with gas and bloating on top. The feeling disappeared overnight and today I feel perfectly normal other than being really tired. No sore boobs nothing.

I still feel like our chances are pretty good this cycle. I'm trying to remain positive and not even think that it might be negative to not upset myself but I also don't want to get my hopes up so high that I'm devestated if it doesn't work out. It's funny how being away from this for a few months almost makes you forget the emotional turmoil but as soon as you do it again it's back in full force!

ana8284

Being an emotional wreck does not begin to describe me this morning. Yesterday (9dpo) my trigger finally was light in the morning and then completely gone by the evening. This morning was a BFN which I try to tell myself is okay because it is still early but of course it got my brain spinning.

I think I'm just super overwhelmed right now. Between TTC, buying and selling a house and being slammed at work I'm just exhausted. Our house got a contract on it relatively quickly which is great but now we are having a really hard time finding a house in our budget in the school district we want to be in. My wife came down this morning super excited about a house that of course is out of the price point we are trying to stay at and would require me to borrow against my 401k. I'm still young so that would not be the end of the world, but that's really the only little bit of a nest egg we have left and if we do get to the point of adoption I don't know where else the money is going to come from not to mention a dire emergency that we might need it for. Plus we are waiting for the home inspection to come back from our current house and the appraisal hasn't been done yet so we don't know if we are going to have any further financial responsibilities to get out of our current house. Right now if all goes well we will walk away free and clear but that's not guaranteed. So anyway when my wife came and showed me the house I just lost it and broke down into tears. In all fairness they have been on their way for a couple of days now but the floodgates finally opened.

Then to add insult to injury once I finally calmed down, I went to go let the dogs in from the backyard and they were nowhere to be found and then I realized the front gate was open. They are small dogs and I was sure someone had stolen them. I was now really in hysterics I yelled their names, searched around, went back in the house to make sure I hadn't let them back in and forgotten. What's worse is when they are home in the backyard we usually don't have collars on them so I was just sure we had lost them forever. Then I just happened to see my white dog through the slat in the back fence so I was reliveved that at least I had found one of them and since they generally stick together I thought the other one must be close when he appeared as well. Relief doesn't begin to explain how I felt right then. I ran back in the house to get the key to the back gate and frantically pulled to get it open (it's really tough to open) and they came right back in.

To say TGIF is a complete understatement today. Hopefully the weekend is better!

ana8284

I'm only 10dpi but I feel like I'm going to start my period any second. When I wiped a little while ago I had snot looking brown CM. Now I feel like it's going to drop any second. I'm really starting to wonder if my follicles were actually cysts from the injections as if I actually surged when my OPKs turned positive my period would be due tomorrow but when I had my ultrasound 2 days after the positive OPK I still showed several large follicles. I hate all of this uncertainty! Feeling pretty crappy tonight.

ana8284

Well spotting turned into a full blown period yesterday and a heavy one at that. Probably the heaviest I have ever had which isn't saying much because I don't bleed heavily anyway but I do have a call into the doctor and hopefully will be reassured that it is normal tomorrow. I'm bummed of course but glad that I already had my meltdown, it made it a little easier to get through when the blood started.

In better news, we put another offer on a house today, just staying hopeful that it goes through and it doesn't end up making us house poor. It's a bit above what we wanted to spend but it's in an excellent school district and we don't have to do anything to it at all to make it what we want. Here's hoping this week is better than last week.

ana8284

Today has been a little harder. While my mom and I aren't particularly close, I talk to her in the mornings on my way to work. Nearly every day she asks me "so have you been to the doctor yet?" While I know she is just excited and wants me to be a mom and her to be a grandma, she's a bit obsessive and asks every single day so up until today I just had told her "no". For one, if we were pregnant I would want to tell her in person and surprise her, not over the phone. For two, my mom tends to give a lot of unsolicited advice and then gets offended if you don't take it so it's just easier for my sanity this way. Anyway, so today she asked me again and I kind of blew up at her and told her that yes we had been to the doctor and I started me period this weekend so it didn't work again. She immediately started to cry (she cries at the drop of a hat) and said that I didn't have to go off on her. I apologized and told her that I just really don't like to talk about it and the constant disappointment has just been hard on me. We ended the conversation with her in tears and me on the verge of them. I felt and still feel bad for taking it out on her, I just get so frustrated with the whole situation. The day after the race she offered to surrogate for me AGAIN after I have repeatedly told her no and that if we were going to go that route I would have IVF myself or my wife would carry.

This past week has just been really rough which makes this so much worse. Over the past 2 weeks I have had 3 people on the team I manage put their resignations in, I'm stressed about buying and selling our house and if we are making the right decision. I'm just having a hard time feeling grateful for all of the things I do have which is the worst part I think. I DO have a decent job, I DO have a loving and wonderful marriage, I DO have a roof over my head, I DO have shoes on my feet and clothes on my back. I'm not a person that wants for much, I lead a pretty uneventful life. I like buying my clothes on clearance, I've never felt the need to have the "latest and greatest" thing out there. I just feel like the true want of my life to be a mother is so far out of my grasp and I don't know what to do. I go through my head, if ONLY I had made better financial decisions when I was younger, if ONLY I wasn't overweight maybe it would work. While both of those things are things I am working to improve, both of them take quite a bit of time to accomplish and even if I do build up a decent savings and lose a good amount of weight I may still not be any better off than I am.

Sorry for the pity party, I'm just completely overwhelmed right now.

ruedeodeon

I'm not trying to be mean or harsh but I've read a few of your posts and you're very negative. I too was a bit negative during the process of creating a family but never to the point where I would go off on family and be angry or bothered upset ect by my partner wanting to
Carry. (I may be wrong but believe you mentioned that) also, whether it be 1$-10000 dollars I would be more than greatful for anyone funding my TTC journey. It's expensive! We didn't have the money either but the moment I stopped being so negative and pessimistic (and our last try for a while it worked! Now I'm 8 months and that has struggles too. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and being so negative and it will happen.

ana8284

While I can appreciate your POV and understand how it can come off as being negative, I use the space as a journaling place because I don't want to burden my wife or friends with what I'm feeling. While I realize it is public, you do not know me personally. I am actually a super positive person but unfortunately this journey has admittedly hardened me a bit. The thing about my wife wanting to carry is that my wife has never wanted to carry and still doesn't she just offered to do so if it didn't work for me which I am grateful for but would admittedly be a bit jealous if she got to experience pregnancy and I did not. That's human nature, that doesn't make me a negative person. As for my mom, we do not have a very good relationship and never have. I was primarily raised by my grandmother and think of her more as my mother. I'm disappointed right now and I'm allowed to be. That doesn't mean that every day of my life is negative. You are entitled to your opinion, but if your goal was to encourage me to move past negativity, unfortunately you achieved the opposite. I do hope that the rest of your pregnancy is smooth and that you have a happy healthy baby next month. Best wishes to you.

b&kmakebabies

I'm sorry about this cycle And I understand the stress that comes with buying a home!

Also, I just wanted you to know that I personally appreciate the rawness of your posts on this journal. It doesn't feel like you try to filter anything, and I think that is kind of refreshing. I agree one should try and be positive around people IRL because negativity can have a ricochet effect, but I feel in order to achieve this you have to have an outlet and this is yours. It's healthy, in my opinion.

ana8284

Thanks b&k. I by no means want to come off as negative as I'm really not. If anything IRL I am almost too optimistic sometimes and when things don't work out I get let down even harder. I think in the beginning it was really easy to think positively but as much as I don't want to give up, I'm a realist and I realize that things may not turn out the way that I have envisioned. So I think what I am dealing with now is working through that to try to figure out my next steps.

StephnHeids

I agree! It is REALLY hard to stay positive when all you see are negatives. I am in the same boat... we are in our 6th TWW and if this doesn't take them we're going to an RE, but that will have to wait until we save up some $$$ since my insurance has a $5,500 deductible. And I would love to be able to express my emotions the way you do. I am not very good with communication (verbal or written) and hold most things inside, which is worse! I just replay situations over and over in my head, what I should/shouldn't have said... all that to say, keep on doing what you're doing and it'll happen. This break might be just what you need

ana8284

Thanks StephnHeids! Fingers crossed tight that this is it for you!

merilung

I just wanted to chime in to say that I'm not a particularly positive person and I was extremely negative and depressed almost the whole time I was TTC. When I did my IVF cycle I was sure it didn't work, but it did! I just don't want you to feel like not being positive enough is keeping you from getting pregnant, because it won't. Women are entitled to all emotions, including "negative" ones like jealousy and rage. This is an incredibly difficult journey and whatever you're feeling at any moment is valid.

Also, I went off on family all the time - sometimes family members are big jerks. Heck, some people we permanently cut out of our lives because they weren't supportive while we were TTC. It's totally up to you how to deal with your family and friends while TTC, there's no one right answer!

ana8284

I'm really at a crossroads as to whether I want to try one last time or take what little money we have left to put toward adoption. I work at the hospital but I manage the team so I don't have much patient interaction these days. Today I had to fill in and went to visit a mom and the most beautiful baby girl to do some paperwork. I felt my raw emotions welling up as I left the room as I held back the tears. I want that feeling so much. I just don't know that I have another try left in me. The past couple of posts have been about positivity vs negativity. For about the first year and a half of this process I was filled with positivity after each BFN I just knew the next one would work and even now every "symptom" I get leaves me thinking about how I would break the news to my family that it had finally worked. But unfortunately the tests haven't turned positive and I have to figure out when it is time to move on. While I'm not getting any younger, I am only 30 so maybe if we move to adoption I can still try again a few years down the road. My wife and I really need to do some soul searching once the move us over and figure out if it's time to hang up TTC.

ruedeodeon

I think you should keep trying. As hopeless as it seems, unless you're diagnosed infertile--it will work eventually. I wasn't a ball of sunshine during the process and it was maddening, but it does seem when you're tired and just stop caring ( like our try #4 that it worked) I got very drunk on halloween and woke up with the worse hangover ever which in turn was pregnancy. It's a ridiculously hard process and some people have to go through many attempts, some more than others--but it will work.

ana8284

Finally some good news, our offer was accepted on our new house! So excited to have a place where we can start our family!

StephnHeids

YAY! Congratulations!!!